New York Noise
by linnell
Summary: Rentfic - Mark's going through some stuff.. .Please R/R
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: These guys belong to Jonathan Larson

Author's Note:These guys belong to Jonathan Larson.Please don't sue.

I started off with all intentions of writing a happy Mark story, but this is what I got.I don't know how I feel about it, so if you would please be so kind to review when you are done reading, let me know the good, the bad, the ugly and if I should continue or not.

"New York Noise"

Mark barreled down the stairs almost colliding with Roger, who was returning from band practice.He stopped short, out of breath, muttered an apology and tried to step around.

"Hold up, Mark, what's wrong?"Roger hadn't seen that much energy come from Mark in months, it worried him.

"What?Nothing… I just need to go, I'll explain later."He pushed passed Roger and walked out the door onto the street.Roger shook his head at his friend and continued his way back up to the loft.When he got inside he plopped his guitar case on the table and took out his cherished possession and began strumming the strings.On the walk home a tune had gotten into his head, and he wanted to see if he could figure it out and perhaps get a song out of it.He was pleased with the way the new band was going, they were getting gigs around the city, mostly downtown, but a few in Brooklyn and midtown.They had regulars following them around to shows and one of the club owners mentioned a friend who was starting a new record label. 

He worked on the new song uninterrupted only for a short while, because his girlfriend Mimi stopped in, dressed for work at the Kat Scratch Club. The guitar was forgotten about for the duration of her visit.He joked with her that she wasn't allowed to come see him when she was dressed for work, because it always made her late.She laughed, teased and cooed at him, and just when he was about to pick her up and bring her into the bedroom, she announced she had to leave at that instant.He pouted, but let her leave and he picked up his guitar and continued.

As he worked, Roger had a consistent smile on his face.Was it only a few months ago that everything in his life looked so dismal?Now, he had figured out and had everything he wanted.Mimi had mostly recovered from the sickness that almost took her away.She still had violent coughing spells, but they were few and far between.The band was going well, and Mark… well Mark was the one thing that wasn't right.

Roger didn't know why, but Mark seemed to distancing himself from him.He had been much quieter, never really leaving the loft, but when they were there together, Mark would hide out in his room, scribbling in his notebook or working on his film.It was Mark that had always been the one to infiltrate the conversations between the two. With him not saying a lot, the silences grew.Roger chocked it up to Mark working hard and didn't really think about all that often.He had been spending most of the nights downstairs at Mimi's anyway, so perhaps everything with Mark was fine and he was just feeling guilty.

About an hour after Mimi left, Mark came back to the loft.He looked defeated and worn.Roger noticed immediately his friend's demeanor, but chose to ignore it at first.He knew that if Mark wanted to share what had happened, he would.At least, the old Mark would have.He went straight into his room and shut the door and barely muttered a 'hey' to Roger.Roger sat and struggled with the song for a few more minutes, almost forgetting that Mark was home, but the closed door, usually left open, gained his attention.

He put the guitar down and went and knocked on the door, he didn't hear an answer, so he began to speak through the door.

"Mark?You ok?"

"Yup, just fine."His voice was harsh, and quick, not like anything he had ever heard from Mark before.Roger opened the door slightly, only to have it shut from the other side.

"Mark, what the hell is going on?"He tried the door again, but this time something was blocking it."Mark, this is ridiculous, why won't you let me in?"

His friend didn't answer but on the other side of the door he heard banging and paper ripping.Roger pushed the door with all his might and got it to budge slightly and before it could be closed, he grasped his hand around the doorframe."Just leave me alone, Roger."

"Not a chance," He pushed the door harder and was able to open it enough to step inside the small windowless room that was once a closet.There was barely enough room for the mattress on the floor, but Mark had managed to find room for a pile of boxes that held his old reels of film, notes, magazines and other assets. The boxes were what were blocking the door.Except the two of the boxes were missing and Roger noticed their contents, mostly old scripts and pictures shredded all over the small space.The posters that hung on his wall had been ripped down, some torn in half, some crumpled, others destroyed completely."Mark, what is going on?"

"Get out of my room!"Mark stepped towards Roger, balancing himself on the mattress, grabbed his arm and pushed him towards the door.Roger lost his balance for a second, but quickly regained composure and began to get mad.

"Not until you tell me what is going on."This was the third time Roger had asked the same question, there wasn't going to be fourth, and he made sure his tone of voice let Mark know that.Still, Mark remained silent, picking up a picture of the two of them that was lying face up on the mattress and ripping it in half, splitting it evenly down the middle and dividing the two friends images apart..This act of defiance was almost too much for Roger, and he grabbed the filmmaker's wrists and forced him to look in his eyes.He watched Mark begin to cower in fear and pushed him away so that he fell onto the mattress."I'm waiting."

"Nothing, everything is just hunky dory."  
Normally, Roger would have laughed at his friend's use of the term hunky dory, but this wasn't the time."What happened?"

Mark just shook his head, got up off the mattress and walked out of the room.He left the loft before Roger could process what was happening and he soon followed him onto the street.Unfortunately, Mark had a head start and when Roger got to the street, he didn't see him in either direction.Roger took a guess and began searching for his friend, not knowing exactly where to start looking.

Mark couldn't understand exactly what was happening.His head was screaming with pain and rage, and he had lost control..Something that afternoon snapped inside him and felt as if he were a madman. Perhaps he was?He knew Roger was just trying to help, but the bitterness was there.It took him acting like a raving lunatic to gain attention from his so-called best friend to finally notice what Mark felt like was obvious.Mark wasn't happy, in fact, that wasn't even the right term. Happy seemed like so foreign and long ago, Mark was downright miserable.He didn't have an explanation or a reason, just the emptiness he felt in his stomach when he woke up and the headache he went to sleep with.He didn't want to talk to anyone, could hardly generate enough energy to start a conversation.He hadn't even been filming lately, though the others thought he was hard at work.Of course, if any of them took a moment to notice the filmmaker's change of attitude, even his change of appearance they may have realized.Mark had stopped really caring about the way he looked; he wore the same clothes day after day, hadn't had a haircut since Angel's funeral, and barely shaved.But none of his friends stopped to detect, or question Mark, all of them assuming he was fine. But he wasn't, and he hadn't been in a very long time.


	2. Chapter 2

It was only a few hours later that Mark felt in control enough to go home

It was only a few hours later that Mark felt in control enough to go home.As he started back to the loft he was regretting facing Roger and having to explain to the guitarist what exactly had happened earlier.He did not know what he was going to tell him and silently rehearsed different excuses and stories on his walk.Mark suddenly realized he was on his friend Collins' street.He decided to put off facing Roger for a little longer and went and knocked on the door.Collins answered the door, the phone against his ear.

"Here he is."He motioned for Mark to come in, and then continued the conversation, "No, why don't I talk to him first.I'll have him call you, ok?"Collins looked over at Mark and nodded to the couch and Mark went over and sat, listening to Collins' end of the conversation."I promise I won't let him leave until you talk to him.Fine, ok, I'll see you soon."Mark picked up a magazine and pretended to thumb threw it while Collins was hanging up the phone.He came over and sat on the coffee table facing Mark, "I'll give you one guess as to who that was."

"Roger."Mark replied unenthusiastically."Let me guess, he's pissed."

"More worried than pissed I would say.You really freaked him out.That was the fifth time he called me since you left.Each time was from a different payphone; he's been searching for you all over.Where the hell were you anyway?"

"If I told, then I would be found next time."Mark grinned wickedly at his friend and tried to change the subject."Your place looks good, I haven't been here for awhile."

"Yeah, thanks, and good try.What exactly happened?We know it has something to do with Maureen."

At the mention of his ex-girlfriends name, Mark tensed and looked away."No… no it doesn't."He didn't know if it did or not, he just didn't want to give her the satisfaction.

"Please," Collins rolled his eyes, "Roger called her too and she told him that you were with her this afternoon and took off from her in a rage.She didn't know what to do, but knew you were irrational so she didn't go after you."Mark just shook his head.

"Maureen has her own version of the truth."He started pulling at the fringes of Collins homemade blanket that covered the couch, "do we have to talk about this?"

"Yup, afraid so.Besides, Roger will be here any minute."As if he was waiting for his cue, a pounding noise came from the other side of the door.Roger didn't wait for an invitation just barged in and got in Mark's face.

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO?"He pulled Mark by his the collar of his sweater, almost choking him.Collins came from behind and pulled him away from Mark's small frame.Mark's face had quickly turned red from the lack of oxygen and he let out a few coughs.

"Well, that is my cue to leave."He was able to sputter out between coughs and stood up to, Roger quickly pushed him back on the couch."Or not."

"What the hell is going on Mark?"Roger's voice was a little calmer, but not too much.Mark remained silent and Roger looked over at Collins, "How should I handle this?" Collins wasn't sure if he was asking for help or asking for permission to beat it out of him.He decided that if was the former and squashed down next to Mark.

"Mark, what caused you to get so angry at Maureen and Roger?"

All of the energy that he had in the afternoon, had now left and Mark felt nothing.He looked from Roger's rough, stern face to Collins' strong yet gentle expression and felt nothing for either of them.His entire body felt nothing.He didn't have a reaction or a response to their inquiries.He just shrugged, hoping that would be enough, but knowing it wouldn't.

"Look guys, I'm tired, can we talk about this later?I think I just want to go home and go to sleep."If he pretended that he cared what they thought, then maybe he could escape this conversation.

"Not a chance."Roger's voice was stern.He grabbed Mark again, who was trying to stand and pushed him back into the couch."Look, I'm worried about you.You have been acting weird for months now, and then what happened today… I have never seen you like that."That was the most compassionate that Roger got, and a small part of Mark knew it, still it didn't reach him.

Collins decided to chime in, "It has been pretty obvious you aren't happy lately, we want to know why." 

Mark, who had slid down so far on the couch he was practically laying down, just looked at them blankly.He realized they wanted a real answer, "What is there to be happy about?"His response was blunt and to the point.Collins didn't react, but Roger's face registered a look of shock for a slight moment, before turning cold again. They both remained quiet and waited for Mark to continue.Mark closed his eyes for a moment and looked at them, "Look, I'm fine.Aren't we all allowed to flip out once in a while?Maureen pissed me off and I was mad, that was all."

"You weren't just mad, you were out of control."Roger retaliated. 

"Oh and you have never been out of control?"Roger deeply sighed and leaned back, knowing he didn't have a point to argue against that."I just wanted to be alone, and you wouldn't let me.That is why I took off."There, maybe that will satisfy them and he could lie completely down and drift to sleep like he wanted.

Collins and Roger exchanged looks trying to decipher if the other was satisfied with Mark's answers.Collins decided to make one more point, "Mark, you never leave the loft anymore, you just said so yourself, you haven't been here in ages.We're worried about you.

"I've been working."Mark countered quickly.

"Unless you are making a film about the interior of your room, you haven't shot anything for weeks."Roger rebutted just as quickly.

This caused Mark to sit up and at last an emotion entered him, one of pure resentment.This feeling closely mirrored the one he felt in his room a few hours before."Like you fucking know what the hell I'm doing in my room.It isn't like you take the time to ask."Mark stood up on the couch and jumped over the backside and headed to the door, before Roger or Collins could stop him."Don't bother looking for me this time."He stepped out of the apartment and onto the street and set of in a random direction. 

Collins watched him from the window, shaking his head. "Well that was interesting.You're right, there is something definitely wrong with him."He sat down on the sofa, to the spot that Mark had been moments before.

"I told you, did you see the look in his eyes?That vacant look has been there for months and then all of the sudden… they are like fire.I don't know what to do."

"I don't know, maybe we should call Maureen and Joanne and have them come over.Perhaps we can all put the pieces together and figure out what is going on in our friend's head."

"Yeah, good idea.I'll call Mimi and tell her to come by after work too."

"What about Benny?"

Roger looked at Collins as if he were nuts, but then slowly nodded, "Yeah, call Benny." 


	3. Chapter 3

Mark's friends all sat around Collins' apartment.They had briefly discussed going to The Life Café, but decided it wasn't the place to discuss such a serious topic.Besides, The Life was one of the places where Mark usually went to think, and they couldn't imagine what his reaction would be if he found them all congregated there together.Truth was, the group didn't all get together like this anymore, the reasons varied and vast.

Roger sat against the wall near the couch and examined the others.Maureen sat on the couch, her legs pulled up on the couch in a yoga position that made him cringe just looking at her.Next to her, Joanne sat, dressed in a black suit, her hair neatly pulled and knotted in the back.There was a distance between the two that caused Roger to wonder if they had been arguing before arriving at the apartment.Joanne was talking to Benny, who was sitting backwards in a folding chair next to the couch.Benny looked as if he pulled his wardrobe from a fashion magazine.Roger thought his clothes were hideous, but then looking down at his own wardrobe, of plaid pants and a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off, he knew he had no right to judge.

Mimi soon came over and handed Roger a beer and slid down next to him.Mimi in his eyes was the most beautiful thing he ever saw.Her wild curly hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail and she had changed from her work clothes to a long shirt of Collins that she was wearing as a dress.Roger thought she looked sexier now than when she had come by the loft before work, and pulled her close to him, shooting a look to Benny without realizing it.

Collins walked over and handed out drinks to the others and sat down.They all sat in silence for a minute, no one really wanting to jump right it, but knowing they were there for a reason.Collins finally cleared his throat and started.

"Well I guess I'll start. I want to begin by saying thanks to everyone for coming by on such short notice…"

Maureen interrupted him and giggled, "This seems so official."Joanne backhanded her lightly and told her to shush."Sorry, go on."She still was laughing while the others sent her nasty looks.

"Well, Roger and I are worried about Mark and we wanted to talk to you guys to see if maybe we can figure out what is wrong with him.He isn't acting like himself."

"What's going on?"Benny asked earnestly, not having really seen Mark since Angel's funeral eight months before.

"Well, for the past few months he has seemed really closed off, not doing wanting to do anything, not showing any emotion."

"Well that isn't unusual for Mark," Maureen chided in, "He has always been closed off."

"Yeah, but this is different."Roger answered Maureen looking at her."He hasn't even talked to me, and usually no matter what, he tells me what is wrong."Mimi took his hand and rubbed his arm, comforting him.

"It's true, I mean all the times I'm at the loft visiting Roger, he never came out of his room to say hi.I usually ended up going over and knocking and barging in on him.He is always sitting there writing in a notebook and barely looks up."Mimi looked over at Roger, "I was starting to think he just didn't like me, so I stopped going after awhile."

Collins takes a gulp from his beer, "I'm sure that wasn't it, Mimi.There is something bothering him.Joanne, have you noticed it too?"

Joanne shifted in her seat a little.She had noticed it, but as far as Maureen knew, Mark and she only had limited encounters, no one knew about the secret lunches they shared. Mark would come uptown and meet her at her office and they would provide therapy to each other about the person they both loved, Maureen.During the time that Mark's other friends had notice his withdrawal, Joanne noticed an increase in the number of calls from Mark asking her to lunch.What had once been once a month, soon became weekly and recently twice a week.Joanne felt uncomfortable about the growth of the frequency of the outings, noting to herself that Mark seemed lethargic and sad.She asked him about it more than once, and he quickly justified it with excuses of working hard or not sleeping well. 

She knew that Mark didn't want the others to know about their lunches, and she didn't really want to have to explain to Maureen.The lawyer side of her was telling her to keep quiet, and to keep Mark's confidentiality.Still, she knew the right thing to do was to tell the others."Yeah, I noticed.He and I were having lunch last week and…"

"You and Mark had lunch?"Maureen reproached abruptly, "You never mentioned."Even Roger looked up surprised.

"Yeah, we did that sometimes.Just to talk about things," The sideways glanced she sent to Maureen told her not to ask anymore questions, and Maureen untangled her legs and sat back on the couch with her arms folded, pouting."Anyway, we were having lunch and I asked him what was bothering him but he was very mum about it.I couldn't get anything out of him."

"How could you tell something was wrong?"Collins stood up while he asked and brought his empty beer bottle to the kitchen.

"Well, he looked more disheveled than usual, and he was really quiet and distant.I almost wondered why he wanted to go out in the first place.When he called he seemed so eager to get together, I had thought there was something he wanted to talk about it. But when we got there, he just stayed quiet and having a conversation with him was like pulling teeth."They all nodded in agreement, knowing exactly what she had meant, because they all had experienced it recently themselves.

"Well today was just scary."Maureen had finished pouting and leaned forward on the couch."I called him up and asked him to come help me with a new scene I was working on for an audition."This time it was Joanne's turn to be surprised. "He rushed over and seemed really eager to help, so we started rehearsing, but suddenly he just got really quiet and…" She looked around the room, not wanting to continue."He asked me what it was about him that made me turn to women."She took a deep breath and Joanne reached out her hand and held it tightly."I told him it wasn't him, and that he should know that by now.He just shook his head and asked if he was a bad lover, or just repulsive in general.I didn't know how to answer him, no matter what I said to try and reaffirm to him that it wasn't him, he just kept asking me questions abusing himself more."She started talking softer, her voice breaking as she continued."I went over to him and gave him a hug, to comfort him, you know?I kissed his cheek and then he started kissing me, hard.I pulled back from him as soon as I realized what he was doing and he got upset, called me a tease and stormed off.I had never seen that side of him before."Joanne put her arm around Maureen and pulled her close to her, stroking her hair. 

"Well that would explain the mood he was in when he came back today."Roger stood up, rubbing his legs to circulate the blood that seemed to stop."You're right, I had never seen him like that before either. It was as if there was someone else inside of Mark.There was no reasoning with him.He wasn't in control."

"He's bi-polar."The others turned to Benny, who was looking at the floor.

"What?"Maureen wanted to know.

"The same thing, the moodiness, the self-loathing, all of it.That is why he left school."They all looked at Benny as the processed what he was saying."He tried killing himself.They gave him medication, he was supposed to be ok."He rubbed the back of his neck."He asked me along time ago not to tell any of you.He wanted a fresh start."

"Oh my God."Maureen muttered what they all were feeling.The tears flowed freely now."So what do we do now?"

"I don't know, Maureen, I don't know."Collins spoke as he buried his face in his hands, fighting back his own tears.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Please forgive me for doing this to poor Mark

Author's Note:Please forgive me for doing this to poor Mark.I swear, this was supposed to be a happy Mark story.Instead, it has sort of turned into a challenge to myself to write in all the other character's point of views.Please let me know how this is going, if you thinking I'm staying true to the characters… yada yada… Reviews make me happy.

Oh yeah, Jonathan Larson's characters, not mine.

"New York Noise" – Chapter 4

Roger sat in disbelief, "No, it's not true.I would have known.He would have told me."Mimi put her arm around his shoulder but he shrugged it off and stood up, approaching Benny."Why the hell would you say something like that?"

"Roger, it's true."Benny stood up and faced eye-to-eye with Roger.Both of them looked as if they were going to attack the other, "When we were roommates in college, he was diagnosed.He stopped going to classes, never left the room, and then, he would just go crazy, he would have an exuberance of energy, and just seem mad.I thought he was doing drugs, but after he tried…" Benny let his eyes move away from Roger's and looked at the ground, "After he tried killing himself, he was diagnosed."

"Bullshit…" Roger barely whispered, but they all knew that he believed Benny.

"Poor Mark," Joanne, said softly as Maureen buried her head her shoulder."He should have told us, he could have told us."

Benny turned around, "He seemed better, and the meds they gave him straightened him out.We moved to New York, met all of you, I thought he was going to be ok." 

"I remember him taking vitamins everyday.I used to tease him about it."Roger spoke quietly, a small smile on his face as he remembered, "They weren't vitamins were they?"Benny shook his head and the smile disappeared,"I don't remember the last time I saw him take any.Do you think he stopped?"

Collins spoke, "If he's acting this way, I'm willing to bet.I wonder how long it has been."He took a deep sigh, "I think we need to find him, who knows what he's thinking or doing."

Joanne stood up, quickly jumping to action, "Ok, Maureen and I will go to the Life, and St. Mark's, Collins, Benny, you guys check out the park, Mimi, Roger, why don't you go to the loft and see if he shows up there."

"No, I want to go look for him."Roger was stubborn and they all knew it wasn't worth arguing with him.

"I'll go with Mimi to the loft."Collins quickly volunteered, leaving Roger and Benny to nod silently.Roger quickly thought that he would rather be stuck with Benny than have him and Mimi in the loft alone.Then, he silently chastised himself for being jealous when Mark was missing and sick.Collins' baritone voice continued giving out instructions, "Everyone call the loft every half-hour, so we can keep in touch.Try and bring him back to the loft."They all agreed and embraced each other, then took off in the separate directions.

Joanne and Maureen walked silently to the Life Café, clutching each other's hands.Maureen was shaking slightly, obviously upset by the news. When she finally spoke, her voice was shaky and soft, not strong and loud as usual, "I just can't believe the whole time we were seeing each other, and he never told me.I thought he told me everything."

Joanne squeezed her girlfriend's hand, nodding."Obviously, he didn't want anyone to know, for whatever reason, he thought it was best to keep it to himself."

"But Benny knew."

"Only because he was there the first time around.Don't worry, sweetie, he'll be ok."

"What… what if he isn't?What if we're too late?"Joanne pulled Maureen to her and held her as she wept.

"We won't be, Mark knows we all love him and we will find him and help him."Maureen pulled away from Joanne nodding, wiping her eyes."Well, we're here, shall we?"Joanne opened the door to the Life Café and they both stepped in.

From the doorway, they could easily scan the entire restaurant, they weren't very busy, only a few tables occupied.They quickly determined that Mark wasn't there, but Joanne decided to ask one of the waiters.He had just started his shift, but said he hadn't seen Mark in a few days.He then mumbled something about Mark being a lousy tipper, and Joanne and Maureen walked out.

"Strike one, Pookie."Maureen sighed

Joanne rubbed her back, "It's ok, I'm sure he's probably at the loft and Collins and Mimi are fixing him a tea, and everything is fine."

"Yeah, you're probably right," But neither of them believed it.They walked again in silence towards St Mark's Place.

Mark wasn't at the loft when Collins and Mimi arrived.They had both hoped, but when they walked in, the place was silent and still.Collins walked towards the window and stared out, trying to see if he could see him down the street.Mimi walked over to Mark's room, the door slightly left ajar and peeked in.The small space was trashed with ripped papers and boxes turned over.

She took a step and picked up one of the halves of the picture that Mark tore up, it was Mark's half.His eyes stared back at her, and his smile haunted her.It looked so genuine.She couldn't remember the last time she had seen that.She found the other half, the one with Roger's image and she laid them next to one another, as if she could magically seal the rupture between the two.She studied the picture some more and placed it as a time before she knew them.Roger's hair was dyed a bright red, and they both looked younger and more innocent.It was obviously taken at a time before drugs, AIDS or death entered their lives.Still, Mark knew his secret even then, and kept it to himself.She placed the picture carefully on top of a box, as if it still one piece.

The box she placed the picture on had only had one side closed, and through the open side she spotted a notebook.She knew immediately what it was and picked it up by the corner, as if her fingerprints could be detected at a later date.She didn't dare open it; she just carried it out into the other room."Collins, look."She tossed the notebook down on the table as if it was evidence and Collins walked towards it, shaking his head.

"No, we can't, it wouldn't be right."

"I know, but what if, what if it gives a clue as to where he is?"Mimi looked a little scared, and shocked, not believing herself that she would look at it.

"He would never forgive us and I…" The phone ringing interrupted Collins, he quickly sprang to answer it.It was Joanne, calling to check in.When they filled each other in on their lack of updates, they hung up."That was Joanne, they didn't find him at St Mark's or The Life… They were going home to change, I guess its getting cold out, and then they were going to look some more."Collins looked outside and noted that the visibility had decreased rapidly as the sun was setting."I hope they find him soon, it will be near impossible to find him in the park after dark."

"What if he isn't in the park?"Mimi looked up Collins, "What if they don't find him?" Collins continued shaking his head, but still picked up the notebook and fanned the pages from the back looking for the last entry.

"I can't believe I'm doing this."He found the page where the writing stops.

_"They don't care, and I don't care.It's over, I'll disappear and they won't find me"_

Collins looked up at Mimi and turned the page back one, "_They think they know me, but they don't.None of them take the time to stop ask about me.They only ask if I'm ok so they can feel better about themselves.I'm tired of it; I'm tired of everything.I am mostly tired of this feeling in my stomach that won't go away."_

_ _

__"Oh God Collins, he doesn't think we care."He nodded, handing the notebook back to Mimi and nodding towards the bedroom.

"Put that away, I don't think it's going to help us, and if he comes home, I don't want him to know we looked at it."

Mimi took the notebook and walked towards the bedroom."If?Do you really think he may not?"

"I don't know anymore, but I can't stand around here not doing anything, I'm going to go look.Stay here and answer the phone, but make the calls quick, in case he tries to call."

Mimi hugged Collins and kissed his cheek."It will be ok, I just know it."Collins smiled at her as he walked out the door.

Roger and Benny walked down the street.To those passing by, they looked like strangers who just happened to be keeping pace with one another.Benny strutted, standing straight, his lower torso moving before the rest of him caught up.Beside him, Roger walked with his shoulders hunched and his head looking down, except for the occasional glance around for Mark or to avoid an oncoming stranger.They made no interaction with one another, not even sideway glances, just walked quickly to their destination.

When they reached the edge of the park, Roger suggested they start by the dog run."It would be the least likely place we'd find him, and if he's hiding out here, that is where he would be."

'No, I think we should go by the sculpture, that is where Collins and Angel met and I think he would be there.

"No way, to obvious."

"Roger, look, its right over there, the dog run is on the other side of the park, let's just go there and then make our way to the other side."

Roger was getting angry, but tried to remain calm, "Benny, I know the way Mark thinks, he wouldn't be at the sculpture."

"Well, then prove me wrong and let's go look."

"No fucking way, I'm not going to fall for that.Look, I'm going to the dog run, you can come with me or not, I don't fucking give a shit."Roger turned away from Benny and started walking off.

"Jesus Christ, Roger, why don't you admit what this is really about?"Roger turned around, pulling his hands out of his pockets and unconsciously forming fists.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Me and Mimi, and the fact that you are still jealous."

Roger turned back around, "I don't have time for this shit, I need to find my friend."Benny quickly approached Roger and grabbed his shoulder.

"I think we need to talk about this first."

"Benny, I'm not jealous.I don't care about you at all, and neither does Mimi."

"Bull, and you know it."Roger made his fists even tighter."You know that every time you guys fight, she comes running to me."

"I'm warning you, this isn't the time,"

"You're right, it isn't.I just wish you would see that it isn't all my fault.She comes running to me, I don't go to her."That was enough for Roger, his fist raised and made contact with Benny's cheek, causing him to lose balance a few steps.Benny held his cheek and laughed."Is that all you got?"

Roger then attacked him, completely out of control of his actions.Benny kicked Roger behind the knee causing the musician to fall.He noticed Benny's nice dress shoes as he fell and looked down at his own battered boots.He picked himself off the ground and the two circled each other for a few minutes, until Roger noticed the blood dripping on Benny's face, and then looked down at his own blood stained hands."Shit… stay away from me…"

Benny slowly comprehended what Roger was trying to get across, as he reached up and touched his face and looked at his fingers, painted red instantly."Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me."Roger could see Benny's eyes tear up with fear.

"It's ok, I think this is your blood."Roger replied as he bent down and wiped his hands on the grass.No more blood appeared and Roger nodded, "Yeah, we're ok."Benny fell to the ground and buried his head in his knees.Roger took off his flannel shirt and handed it to Benny and then sat next to him and put his arm around Benny's shoulders.They stayed like that until after the sun set.


	5. Chapter 5

No one seemed to notice the crouched figure in the last seat of the last row

No one seemed to notice the crouched figure in the last seat of the last row.He sat there, knees bent, feet on the back of the seat in front of him.He didn't move for hours.Even as the pictures faded and the lights came up, and people came in and out, he remained.He was mesmerized by the images on the screen.He silently critiqued each frame and compared it his own work.

After Mark had left Collins' place, he wandered aimlessly, not knowing where to go or what to think.He had felt such anger and rage and he didn't know how to calm himself down.As he walked, someone shoved a flyer in his hand and instead of dropping it, like he normally would have; he turned it over and glanced quickly.It was advertising a student film festival at NYU.Without realizing it, Mark found his legs moving him in the direction of the school, he also found himself asking young people armed with backpacks the direction to the building named on the flyer, and then, he found himself seated in the corner seat of the back row.

Mark loved movies, all different kinds.He loved the high-tech blockbuster types as well as the quiet art-house movies that barely made back their initial investment.When he was a kid, growing up in Scarsdale, he went to the movies every Saturday afternoon with his father.It was their court-ordered visitation time.His father would pick him up, take him to the multiplex, they would pick a movie, sit in silence as they watched and drive home.They barely ever spoke, except for a brief discussion about what movie to see.His father would then pick up Cindy and take her to the mall.Cindy would always come back with some new outfit or tape, but Mark didn't care, because for those few hours, he got lost in someone else's life.It wasn't until he was older, long after the weekly outings with his father stopped, that he began to recognize that not every movie was a masterpiece, that some were just plain awful, while others were art in every way he knew.He loved to watch the stories unfold, the lighting of each scene, and he began questioning why the director filmed a scene a certain way.

He ended up getting a job at the small second-run theatre in town, running the projector.It was perfect for him, because only one movie played at a time there, and often times the same one would run for weeks on end, and he was able to completely analyze the movies screen by screen.The owner of the theatre noticed Mark's enthusiasm quickly, for most of his employees would sit in the back room talking or reading while the movie played, but not Mark.He sat in the projector's booth night after night, even with movies he hated. Actually, especially with the movies he hated, because he wanted to figure out exactly why he despised them so much.

It was working at the movie theater that he was able to save up enough money to buy his first used 8mm camera.With that, he was able to film his own images and ideas, taking the knowledge he had acquired over the years and utilizing them.It was obvious to everyone that he wanted to go to film school, but his father insisted it was a waste of time.He flatly refused to pay for Mark to go anywhere but Brown, his alma mater.Mark's mother couldn't afford to send him to any of the schools he wanted to go to, so he went to Brown, majoring in business, just as his father had wanted him to.It was there that everything started…

Mark shook his head, to bring himself back to reality and started concentrating on the picture of the screen in front of him.The student had thought it would be a good idea to tie a camera to the back of a dog, and let it run around the park."Dog's Eye View" it was called.Mark didn't need to over scrutinize why he hated this film.His thoughts drifted to Roger and Collins and what they must be thinking now.He wanted to tell them this afternoon, for a split second he wanted to let out his deep dark secret, but he left instead.He couldn't bear the thought of seeing their faces when they found out.

He thought he was better. He had convinced himself he didn't need the medication anymore. It had been years since the last time, and he had in his mind decided that it only happened because he hated Brown so much.His life in New York wasn't perfect, but it was much better than Providence, and he honestly thought he would be fine.By the time he realized he wasn't, it was too late.At first, he saw things clearer, and thought he finally understood what was really going on around him.He was filming non-stop, his vision unmistakable, chastising himself for not stopping taking the medication sooner.But after a few short weeks, things began to change.He lost the desire to pick up his camera.He felt no passion for it, no passion for anything.

The reasoning for him stopping to take his medication was justified and noble. He knew he did the right thing.After Mimi got sick at Christmas, money was even tighter than usual around the loft.Roger spent every cent of his and Mimi's to get her the medication she needed to fight the infection she gotten when she living in the park.Mark knew that Roger didn't refill his own AZT prescription, so Mark gave him the money he had saved for his own prescription.He had told Roger that his mom sent him some Christmas money and since Roger didn't know what the money was actually for, he didn't protest.Mark knew it was more important for Roger to have his medication, and didn't half to think twice about it.Besides, he honestly thought he would be ok.

The lights in the theatre came on and a man with a long ponytail and goatee stepped in front of the screen.Mark laughed to himself how typical this guy looked; as he barely listened to him thank everyone for coming and a few announcements about other events around the campus.Mark put his feet down and stood up, noting that there were only two other groups in the room.He walked out of the building and was surprised to find it dark outside.He had no concept of how long he had actually been sitting there.He started walking home, feeling more calm and under control.He hoped that he would be able to stay that way when he saw Roger.Roger had an effect on him like no other, it made him mad when he was ignored, and it made him mad when Roger paid him attention.It seemed that lately, nothing that Roger did made him happy.Maureen was another story.The past few months he had spent a lot of time dwelling and over-analyzing their relationship and breakup.It was strange, because he really was over her.He knew there would be a part of him that will always love her, but for the most part he had accepted the fact that she was indeed a lesbian and was in love with Joanne.And he liked Joanne, a lot in fact.He enjoyed their lunches out together, thought lately he had an ulterior motive. He was trying to figure out what it was about him that made Maureen figure out she was gay while dating him.He couldn't stop fixating on that fact.He thought, perhaps Joanne could give him a clue.She never really did though.

He got to the loft and walked in up the four flights, knowing there was going to be a large mess waiting for him when he walked in.


	6. Chapter 6

He got to the loft and walked in up the four flights, knowing there was going to be a large mess waiting for him when he walke

He got to the loft and walked in up the four flights, knowing there was going to be a large mess waiting for him when he walked in.He was surprised when he entered to find Mimi there, on the phone.She turned around quickly and said his name surprised.He heard her say, "Yeah, he just walked in.Ok, hold on."She handed the phone to Mark, "It's Roger."Mark sighed and took the phone.

"Hey, Roger, I'm…"

"Are you ok?"Roger voice seemed panicked and it took Mark by surprise.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?"

"Just wait for me there, ok?We need to talk."  
"Well, I was just going to shower and go to bed…" He had a feeling his roommate wasn't going to accept these excuses, and he knew they needed to talk.His mind had settled enough to know he required help, and he knew he had to ask for it.

"No, just wait there with Mimi, ok?I'll be there in five minutes."Roger hung up the phone and Mark did the same, walking slowly to the base.He finally looked at Mimi, who was looking at him with sadness in her eyes.

"What's wrong?What happened?"Now he was starting to panic, maybe this wasn't about him.Perhaps something was wrong, his mind screamed as images of hundreds of possibilities flashed through it.

"Nothing happened, we were just worried about you."His mind calming a little bit he nodded.

"I kind of flipped out earlier…"  
"Yeah, you did.Everyone is out looking for you, we thought…" She choked back the rest of her sentence as she embraced Mark."You're going to be ok, that's what matters."All he could was nod, because the phone began ringing.Mimi let go and answered it.

"Hello… yeah, he just got home...Roger's coming back here... I don't know… I don't know… maybe later… ok, we'll call you at home… love you too."She hung up the phone, "That was Joanne, her and Maureen were just checking in."

"Maureen was looking for me?"His eyes widened and her could feel the stress starting in his shoulders, but he put it out of his mind and sat down, trying to control himself, but losing the battle.

The front door flew open, and Roger and Benny came rushing in.Mark was surprised again tonight… Benny?Why would Benny be with Roger?They hated each other.But the reality soon hit him.Benny told them.He had to, it all made sense.They must have thought he was going to hurt himself.He automatically got defensive and stood up straight.He would have to prove to them that he was all right.

"Christ, Benny what happened?"Mimi almost squealed as she walked up to Benny, touching his face.He instantly backed away from her touch, nodding towards Roger.She turned to her boyfriend, "You did that?What the hell were you thinking?"

Roger barely heard her; he was walking toward Mark, who had silently slipped to the back wall, as if he could hide."Where were you?"Mark could tell it was taking every ounce of control that Roger had not to yell at him.

Mark then doubled that amount of control and plainly replied, "just out."

"Just out?We have been looking for you all over the Lower East Side!"  
Mark couldn't help but laugh, "You know, New York is much bigger than Alphabet City."By this point Mimi and Benny, who now had ice wrapped in a paper towel over his cheek, approached them, forming a semi-circle around Mark.He turned towards Benny."You told them, didn't you?"He laughed again as he said it, losing control, but trying to show he was in control.

"Yeah man, I'm sorry, but I had too."Mark looked at Mimi, who gave him a compassionate smile, and then Roger who looked scared.

"You should have told us yourself."Mark just shook his head, stepping further back, so that he flat against the wall."Mark, we're your friends, we're here for you, why didn't you tell us?"Roger stepped closer to Mark, who now had his head down, wiping his eyes.Roger barely whispered, "Why didn't you tell me?"Mark kept his head down, fighting off the instinct to run, the instinct to yell, the instinct to cry.He concentrated as hard as he could on remaining in control.But his hands started shaking, and his breath shortened, and he knew he was losing the battle.

The front door opened again, and this time Collins came barreling in."Any news?"The last word was almost dropped as he noticed Mark cowering against the wall, surrounded.He walked over the group and approached Mark, reaching out to his shoulder.Mark ducked away from him and moved away from the wall."Mark…" 

"Just… leave me… just leave me alone ok?I can't deal with this."He pleaded with his friends, but they all remained.Mark was sobbing now, losing the battle with his tears."I'm fine, I swear, I've just… I've just been a little out of it lately."He couldn't let them see… he couldn't let them know he was out of control.

"Mark, it's ok.We know… we'll help you."Mark couldn't believe the voice that spoke was Roger's.It was genuine and caring, not judgmental in the least.Still he just shook his head, backing up towards his bedroom.Just a few more paces and he could be safely inside… they wouldn't be able to see him lose control in there.He took another step back.

Mimi walked over to him, and grabbed his hand rubbing his arm gently."Honey, it is ok, we just want to help you."Mark looked in Mimi's deep brown eyes, but quickly turned away, pulling his hand back.

"Don't… don't touch me."He took another deep breath, and slapped the tears on his face, "I don't need help.I'm fine."Two more steps… two more steps and he will be safe.He takes another, but as he about to reach out for the handle, Collins steps in-between him and the door."Let me into my room."He tried his best to keep his voice stern, but it came out soft and shaky.

"Just sit down Mark and hear us out, ok?"Collins spoke to him gently and Mark shook his head.

"How about if you and I go for a walk?We'll go to the Life."It was Roger that spoke gently this time.Mark looked at him, trying to remember the last time they did anything just the two of them."I'll buy you a tea."Roger was already standing, putting his coat on.

"No," He wasn't going to fall for it, "I just want to go to sleep."  
"Come on, one cup of tea won't hurt.We'll be back in half an hour."Mark knew the rational thing to do would be to go with him.They would worry more if he locked himself in his room.He had to make them not worry."One tea and then you can come back and go to sleep, ok?"

Mark nodded, his hands still shaking as he shoved them in his pocket.Benny brought over Mark's worn jacket and handed it to him.Roger came over and placed an arm over his shoulder and guided him to the door.Over his shoulder he spoke to his friends, "We'll be back in a bit."The three of them nodded as Collins took Mimi's hand and squeezed it.

The two men stepped out onto the sidewalk and began walking towards the café.Mark remained quiet while Roger rambled on about the weather, his band, the traffic and anything else he could come up with to keep there from being any silences.He didn't want to start such a serious talk while they were walking, knowing that Mark could easily turn around and leave.He thought if they were seated in the café, Mark would be less likely to cause a scene.Of course he remembered the Christmas Eve a few years back where Mark was jumping on tables and yelling at Benny and his father-in-law, but he knew these were much different circumstances.

After they seated themselves at a table in a corner, the waiter came over and took their orders.He started waving his pencil towards Mark;"Someone was looking for you earlier."Mark felt his face turn red and nodded and thanked him.He sat there, rolling Roger's straw wrapper between his fingers to the smallest size he could get.

Roger snatched the paper away from Mark, "Ok, look at me, time to get serious."

Mark looked over at him, "Serious, huh?"

"Yeah…"Roger searched for something to say, he knew there were thousands of things he wanted to get out, but they all disappeared.Mark looked at him expectantly, and he just stared back at him.

"Why don't I start?"Mark said smirking; he was feeling a little better than before."Benny told you what's the matter with me, right?"

"Well, he said you were bipolar, is that true?"Mark just shrugged and nodded, while opening a sugar packet and adding it to his tea that had just arrived."Mark, why didn't you ever tell me, or any of us?"

Again he shrugged, stirring his tea for much longer than he really needed to."Lots of reasons, I didn't want you to think of me as sick… I…"  
"Christ Mark, who are you dealing with?"Roger interrupted him by slamming his hand on the table, causing Mark to drop the spoon he was holding."In our group of friends, you didn't want to be thought of as sick?"His voice was harsh and he let out a bitter laugh."What the hell do you think Mimi, Collins and I go through everyday?Every day you remind me to take my AZT, you don't think that I am reminded that I'm dying?"His voice was getting louder and echoing through the almost empty café.

"Stop fucking yelling at me, ok?This isn't about you."Mark sat up straight and began speaking in a loud whisper, "When we first met, and April and you were together, and Collins hadn't been diagnosed yet, I didn't want you guys to think I was a freak.I mean… I am a freak, but I didn't need you worrying every time I got excited or felt sad."

"You're not a freak."There was no more anger in Roger's voice, just sadness. "We wouldn't have, we won't treat you any different."

"You don't know that.You were a different person then.It doesn't matter, because then Collins was diagnosed and then April died, and then it didn't seem important anymore.I was feeling fine.I was on Lithium and it was working, so why bother worrying everyone."

"Cause we are your friends, and we love you."Mark rolled his eyes at Roger, keeping his head down and scoffed."So what happened? Obviously the past few months something has changed."

Mark blew on his tea before taking a sip, even though it was almost room temperature."I stopped taking the Lithium."

"Why?"Again Mark just shrugged, "Mark, there has to be a reason."

"I felt fine, I didn't think I needed it anymore."He was trying to act like it was no big deal.

"Oh, ok.Well I feel fine, I think I'll stop taking my AZT."They locked eyes for an instant, each exasperated with the other.

"I couldn't afford to fill my prescription and I didn't think it would make a difference, ok?"Mark looked over Roger's shoulder trying to get the attention of the waiter who was sitting at a table talking with some friends."Shit, this guy is never coming back here…"

"He'll be over in a minute. How did you afford it this whole time?"

"What?"Mark was obviously distracted by the oblivious waiter. "Oh, my dad sent me money.He would send me enough to fill six months worth."

"Did he not send it this time?"Roger knew that Mark never spoke with his father, or spoke about him very often.

"No he did, I just needed it for something else."He started waving frantically, finally getting the waiter's interest and held up his empty cup pointing to it.

"What the hell was so important that you...?" He slapped Mark's arm out of the air, "Listen to me, what did you spend the money on?"

"None of your business."Mark didn't want to tell Roger the truth.

"Hell it's not.Mark, please, I'm trying to catch myself up here."He looked across the table at his companion, "I mean, I've known you for six years, and today I find this out.Please bear with me if I have a few questions."

"Fine, I gave the money to you so you could buy Mimi and your meds.I thought it was more important."The waiter finally came over with the carafe of hot water and interrupted them.Roger sat in disbelief for a few moments.

"I would have never… if I knew…"   
Mark shook his head, "Look, you guys need it to live, I just need my stuff to live normally.Besides, I really thought I would be fine."  
"But you are not fine."Mark nodded.Roger couldn't get the sacrifice Mark made for him out his head.He didn't feel angry anymore, he just wanted to help him, and make him better."Can we go get you some?Like right now?"

Mark looked at the clock that hung on the wall behind Roger."At 11:30 at night?"

"This is New York, there is are 24 hour pharmacies all over the place."Roger digs in his pockets and takes out a wad of cash and tosses it on the table."I have money, we can go get it now."

Mark shook his head, "No."

"No?"

"Yeah, no. I mean, No, yeah… no wait… I'm not going to get more."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Look, when I'm on that stuff, it is hard for me feel, it just makes things seemed whitewashed.Remember what you said to me after Angel's funeral.About detaching from life, and being numb.I'm not numb anymore."He looked so earnest, staring back at Roger.

"You may not be numb, but you are detaching more than ever.You hide in your room and you don't talk to anyone… It doesn't have to be like that."

Mark kept his eyes on the table.He wanted to ask Roger for help.Why wasn't he letting himself?What was keeping him from feeling better?"Things will be different from now on."

"How can you say that?You don't have control over..."

"I DO HAVE CONTROL!"Icy tears form in Mark's eyes as he banged his fist on the table as he stood up.He didn't bother lowering his voice, "For the first time in years, I'm in control of my emotions…" As he spoke, he began shaking again and the tears began escaping.He tried to fight them, he wrinkled his mouth, shut his eyes, held his breath, but they kept coming.

Roger stood up and walked over to Mark, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him in for an embrace.He held him while Mark wept.His entire body was trembling and Roger had a difficult time keeping them both upright.He stroked Mark's head and shushed him, as if he was a small child who just fell and scraped his knee. Mark kept saying "I'm in control…" over and over.Roger dropped one arm, fished enough money out his pocket and tossed it on the table, and then guided his small friend outside.

The fresh air helped Mark calm down a little.The tears finally stopped, but he was still trembling.Roger guided him to a bench and sat him down.He then squatted down in front of him, in order to make eye contact."Mark, you need help, ok?"

Mark shook his head."I'm in control…"

Roger nodded, "Yeah, I know you are, but you will be in more control if you are feeling better."He reached out and touched Mark's knee, "I miss you."Mark looked at Roger surprised."You have been taking care of me for years, it is time for me to take care of you."Mark continued shaking his head, but Roger could tell he was getting through."We all care about you, and we don't want you hurting yourself."Mark's head dropped further down."Come on, we can see which one of us is the bigger nag about reminding the other to take their meds."This caused Mark to smile.The reason he always remembered to tell Roger was because he was taking his own stuff at the same time."We're both going to be ok, right?"Mark nodded, wiping the last traces of tears off his face.

"I'm… I'm sorry Roger."Roger stood up and offered a hand to Mark to pull him up.

"Tomorrow, first thing, we go to the pharmacy, ok?Promise?"Mark nodded and Roger and he began walking home.

  



End file.
